About a month ago, crazy timing now that I look at it, I got a random message from a good friend that pastors a church about 3 hours away who I don't necessarily have regular communication with. But the strange thing about the message was not the fact that he messaged me, it was the crazy randomness of the message which I decided to quote the bulk of it. "I know you are dealing with many many issues with your pain etc. I have to ask you something...There's an empty room (in a home on same property as new church building) and I believe the Lord may have your name on it. You would need to hear the Lord say that. We are experiencing a true revival here...I think of all that God has done and is doing in your life. Your call. Your heart. What God has taught you and wonder if He may intend for you to share life in our community. Would you pray?...There are things God has done in you that I believe may be significant here, and there are things He is doing here that I believe may be significant in your life. But I'm not God." (emphasis mine).
Basically, "I know you're hurting, struggling with health stuff, but would you prayerfully consider moving here to see how God might want to use you and what He might want to give you here as part of our faith community." How amazingly, wonderfully, absolutely opposite of most people's approach to someone like me. Someone needing more than I feel I have to offer. Someone broken and weak. Someone who is not even close to "having it all together". I'm a self-admitted mess!!!
It so completely blew me away but I agreed I'd pray and get back with him. I forwarded the messages to my mom and brother asking them to be praying for me/about it. The next week was Spring Break so with a break from school and homework, in the midst of doctor appts and medical tests, I thought/prayed/worried about this opportunity and what answer I was supposed to give. I recognized it as such an incredible, generous invitation. I did not want to take it lightly, and I truly wanted to hear what God was saying. But I was also plagued and interrupted in my attempts to pray with the "what ifs" and the true cost of saying yes. Many times recently, my mom has had to cut my food for me because it hurt too much to hold the fork enough to cut even the easiest, softest of foods. Several days the pain is so bad that I hardly get out of bed for 1-3 days at a time except for necessities. Or the pain has made it too hard to sleep that I can't function, or I'm taking SO MUCH meds that I can't stay awake (even with a med for that). So try as hard as I might to just focus on what God was saying about it, the feasibility issues kept cropping into my thoughts and prayers. Then the thought of leaving home again, not because of the dependence I've had on my mom and family the last 2 years, but just the distance, the return to a 3 hour car ride away from these I love so dearly. From the chance to be with the littles fairly regularly, even if just in little bits of time. The missing of family events from birthday celebrations to random BBQs because I am committed somewhere else, 3 hours away. So in all honesty, the prayers became more of a "how can this even be possible" and "would You really ask me to do this right now, in this condition" argument with God until I settled on a "not right now" answer that felt right. Not a clear yes/no, just a maybe not now. I sent the message at the end of spring break and got a kind response back. It was settled, I was at peace, shared my response with my mom and brother, and I was ready to move on and start the next term.
Fast forward 5 days later...peace is gone, this no longer feels settled and I realize I closed the conversation on this invitation before God did, but He's not just going to sit silent about it. It's time to begin some very serious praying. And crying. And praying while crying. Please understand, it's not that I don't want to serve the Lord or that I would not love joining what my friend is doing in the community with his church. I just don't want to do it "like this" - broken, hurting, unable to be independent and take care of myself. I'd be happy to do it, just could I not have to do it while so limited and needy. (Yes, hello pride!!! Could you be any louder or clearer?!?!)
I was up most of the night and after journaling through the mess inside me, I sent messages to two friends that came to mind and asked them to pray for me during this time of seeking the Lord for His answer, for clarity of what He's saying. It's not been an all-consuming focus in my head or heart the last several weeks, but it would come to mind fairly frequently.
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| Textbooks, but still good reads! |
It's now the middle of week 3 of the new term with Liberty University in which I am taking two very convicting classes - one is basically a Biblical Survey/How to study the Bible type course and the other has been mostly focused on missions so far!!!! I've been hit with conviction on so many things through these first few weeks, but these are some of the convictions that kept bringing this to mind:
- How am I fulfilling Jesus' command to "Go and make disciples" which is addressed to all believers?
- What am I doing to further God's Kingdom right now, in this current situation?
- How am I using the gifts He's given me?
- How am I honoring and glorifying Him at this point of my life?
The short answer...I'm really not! I'm doing my best with school, I'm loving my family, and I do pray for others which I know is valuable. But could I not do more, even with these limitations and weaknesses? Should I begin doing more by saying yes to the invitation that has been extended to me, from seemingly out of the blue just before starting these classes that are challenging my heart so much? Will I be willing to leave family to say yes and follow Him? These are the questions challenging me tonight.
Anyway, I messaged my friend again today and we spoke for quite a while when he called me back. There are still a lot of unknowns in the logistics department, and I am not settled that the Lord is for sure wanting me to say yes to this for immediate relocation, but I'm feeling more and more that this could very well be what the Lord is leading me to do in the very near future. The next step will be a visit with my mom to spend a weekend meeting people and discussing some details of what this might look like when the time is right to jump in with both feet.
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