God may not be done when you say Amen!!!

About a month ago, crazy timing now that I look at it, I got a random message from a good friend that pastors a church about 3 hours away who I don't necessarily have regular communication with. But the strange thing about the message was not the fact that he messaged me, it was the crazy randomness of the message which I decided to quote the bulk of it.  "I know you are dealing with many many issues with your pain etc. I have to ask you something...There's an empty room (in a home on same property as new church building) and I believe the Lord may have your name on it. You would need to hear the Lord say that.  We are experiencing a true revival here...I think of all that God has done and is doing in your life.  Your call. Your heart.  What God has taught you and wonder if He may intend for you to share life in our community.  Would you pray?...There are things God has done in you that I believe may be significant here, and there are things He is doing here that I believe may be significant in your life.  But I'm not God." (emphasis mine).  

Basically, "I know you're hurting, struggling with health stuff, but would you prayerfully consider moving here to see how God might want to use you and what He might want to give you here as part of our faith community." How amazingly, wonderfully, absolutely opposite of most people's approach to someone like me.  Someone needing more than I feel I have to offer.  Someone broken and weak.  Someone who is not even close to "having it all together".  I'm a self-admitted mess!!!

It so completely blew me away but I agreed I'd pray and get back with him.  I forwarded the messages to my mom and brother asking them to be praying for me/about it.  The next week was Spring Break so with a break from school and homework, in the midst of doctor appts and medical tests, I thought/prayed/worried about this opportunity and what answer I was supposed to give.  I recognized it as such an incredible, generous invitation.  I did not want to take it lightly, and I truly wanted to hear what God was saying.  But I was also plagued and interrupted in my attempts to pray with the "what ifs" and the true cost of saying yes. Many times recently, my mom has had to cut my food for me because it hurt too much to hold the fork enough to cut even the easiest, softest of foods. Several days the pain is so bad that I hardly get out of bed for 1-3 days at a time except for necessities.  Or the pain has made it too hard to sleep that I can't function, or I'm taking SO MUCH meds that I can't stay awake (even with a med for that).  So try as hard as I might to just focus on what God was saying about it, the feasibility issues kept cropping into my thoughts and prayers. Then the thought of leaving home again, not because of the dependence I've had on my mom and family the last 2 years, but just the distance, the return to a 3 hour car ride away from these I love so dearly. From the chance to be with the littles fairly regularly, even if just in little bits of time.  The missing of family events from birthday celebrations to random BBQs because I am committed somewhere else, 3 hours away.  So in all honesty, the prayers became more of a "how can this even be possible" and "would You really ask me to do this right now, in this condition" argument with God until I settled on a "not right now" answer that felt right.  Not a clear yes/no, just a maybe not now.  I sent the message at the end of spring break and got a kind response back.  It was settled, I was at peace, shared my response with my mom and brother, and I was ready to move on and start the next term.  

Fast forward 5 days later...peace is gone, this no longer feels settled and I realize I closed the conversation on this invitation before God did, but He's not just going to sit silent about it.  It's time to begin some very serious praying.  And crying.  And praying while crying.  Please understand, it's not that I don't want to serve the Lord or that I would not love joining what my friend is doing in the community with his church.  I just don't want to do it "like this" - broken, hurting, unable to be independent and take care of myself.  I'd be happy to do it, just could I not have to do it while so limited and needy.  (Yes, hello pride!!! Could you be any louder or clearer?!?!) 

I was up most of the night and after journaling through the mess inside me, I sent messages to two friends that came to mind and asked them to pray for me during this time of seeking the Lord for His answer, for clarity of what He's saying.  It's not been an all-consuming focus in my head or heart the last several weeks, but it would come to mind fairly frequently.

Textbooks, but still good reads!

It's now the middle of week 3 of the new term with Liberty University in which I am taking two very convicting classes - one is basically a Biblical Survey/How to study the Bible type course and the other has been mostly focused on missions so far!!!!  I've been hit with conviction on so many things through these first few weeks, but these are some of the convictions that kept bringing this to mind:

• How am I fulfilling Jesus' command to "Go and make disciples" which is addressed to all believers?
• What am I doing to further God's Kingdom right now, in this current situation?  
• How am I using the gifts He's given me?  
• How am I honoring and glorifying Him at this point of my life?  

The short answer...I'm really not!  I'm doing my best with school, I'm loving my family, and I do pray for others which I know is valuable.  But could I not do more, even with these limitations and weaknesses?  Should I begin doing more by saying yes to the invitation that has been extended to me, from seemingly out of the blue just before starting these classes that are challenging my heart so much?  Will I be willing to leave family to say yes and follow Him?  These are the questions challenging me tonight.

Anyway, I messaged my friend again today and we spoke for quite a while when he called me back.  There are still a lot of unknowns in the logistics department, and I am not settled that the Lord is for sure wanting me to say yes to this for immediate relocation, but I'm feeling more and more that this could very well be what the Lord is leading me to do in the very near future.  The next step will be a visit with my mom to spend a weekend meeting people and discussing some details of what this might look like when the time is right to jump in with both feet.   

And so begins 2015...

It's hard to believe that this is New Year's Day!  It just feels like any other day!  It's been nearly 2 years since I started having shoulder pain again.  Plus I've had a nasty cough for weeks that has me completely worn down right now.  But it's the beginning of a new year.  Seems worthy of a few moments to acknowledge that. 

January 1, 2015. 

Looking back on 2014, I have many things to be thankful for!  I enjoyed one month of low enough pain levels to drive consistently.  I had the pleasure of loving on my sister's foster baby for 2 months which was a great opportunity though it was heartbreaking to say goodbye!!!  I got to meet my cousin's youngest daughter who became a forever part of our family just before her 4th birthday and is a beautiful, curly haired princess that I fell in love with immediately!!!!!  And then in July, we were thrilled to finally hold my youngest nephew who was born the afternoon of the 11th and brings such joy to our family!!!  We had a wonderful mini vacation when we spent a long weekend at the coast.  Many birthday celebrations throughout the year where our whole family comes together to celebrate with food and fun times together!  Due to many household projects involved with painting rooms and moving things around, we decided to have a low-key Thanksgiving where we just spent time together and enjoyed chili and cornbread in lieu of the traditional turkey dinner.  So we made up for it by having turkey with all the trimmings on Christmas Eve followed by a family sleepover!  Christmas is so much fun with littles to watch and play with!!!!  Following our tradition, we ended our Christmas day at my cousins house with good food, gift exchanges and game night!!!  Such a great time and a great way to end the holiday season.

A big development for me came in October when I made the decision to return to college and complete my degree online.  I started the very next week taking Accounting and Microeconomics through Kaplan University, but am excited to start a new semester as a Liberty University Online student in a couple of weeks.  I have an interdisciplinary major which allows me to choose 3 cognates of study so I have chosen Accounting, Education and Christian Counseling.  I hope to graduate in about 3 years! 

Physically, I'm a bit of a mess.  As I said before, my shoulders have been hurting for nearly 2 years, but this past August, I also began experiencing similar pains in my ankles and knees which come and go pretty frequently.  I have spinal stenosis in my neck with a couple of disc showing bulges that may one day require surgery, but hoping to stave that off as long as possible.  I've had numbness and tingling a lot in my hands/arms for a few years that we attributed to the neck issue, but my hands became so much worse a few months ago, I'm scheduled for an EMG (test where they shock my arms to check for nerve issues) next week, and am seeing an orthopedic the next day for evaluation of carpal tunnel that may require surgery sooner than later. 

Emotionally, it's hard to say.  Chronic pain is difficult to deal with and I have a tendency towards depression anyway so I have to be really careful not to wallow in self-pity which I did not do very well last year.  There were a lot of joyful things that helped pull me out of it, but it's a daily battle that requires a choice of how to spend my day.

Spiritually, I've not been in a good place for a very long time! I've said it before, but have realized just how true it has been that everything that can be shaken has definitely been shaken in my life in the last 3 or so years!!!  I fought really hard to respond well as I felt my world and all I believed to be true was falling apart around me.  However, in the course of time, I failed to acknowledge the anger and disappointment I felt towards God as the shaking continued through some of the darkest times of my life!!!  Hitting bottom finally seemed to happen at the end of September when I told my mom I just couldn't do it anymore!  I wasn't turning my back on God or giving up, per se, I just could not keep begging Him to be there or do anything for me anymore.  My bottom line revelation was "He owes me nothing!" and I need to be okay with that.  After mulling that over and listening to a devotional set by Misty Edwards where she sings, "You owe me nothing, I deserve hell" for a week, I was finally struck by the last part of that chorus which is "You owe me nothing but You've given me MERCY!!!!"  So it's a very slow journey, but I'm beginning the process of trying to reconnect with the Lord by focusing on the things that He has promised to me that I know I can count on as my faith is rebuilt in who He truly is! 

It has been a really long time since I've blogged and I'm not sure how much time I will have to blog this year as I dive into a new semester, but I hope to try to be a little more consistent here!  Let's see what this year holds!!! 
 

A new yet familiar season...

This morning, after an emotional melt down last night, I was reminded of Hosea 6:1-3 which is going to be a point of focus for me over the next little while.    “Come, let us return to the Lord.  For He has torn us, and He will heal us; He has wounded us, and He will bind up our wounds.  He will revive us after two days,  and on the third day He will raise us up so we can live in His presence.  LET US STRIVE TO KNOW THE LORD. His appearance is as sure as the dawn. He will come to us like the rain, like the spring showers that water the land.”  (Hosea 6:1-3)  This is my goal...that I may strive to know the Lord and allow Him to have His way in me each and every day!

 

A month into the new year, I began experiencing intermittent pain in various joints.  By March, I was having low-level, constant pain in both shoulders as well as intermittent pain in my knees, ankles, wrists and occasionally my hips.  I started on pain meds, did some physical therapy for an issue with my neck I was also having and had a couple appointments with a rheumatologist in Kansas City.  By mid-May, my pain level increased to a point that I could no longer continue working and it was getting more and more difficult to live on my own.  At the beginning of June, I made the decision to move back to Texas where my family would be better able to help me out and flew my mom up the last weekend in June to pack up the car and make the drive home with me.  We arrived early on July 1^st and I enjoyed some time with my family before returning to Kansas City for a couple weeks with my friends and a follow up visit with my doctor.  In the last two weeks that I’ve been home, I’ve had many appointments with various specialists.  The rheumatologist in Kansas City felt there was enough history to say that I have an auto-immune disease though it could not be categorized any further than that.  However, the rheumatologist here is running some additional tests looking into possible blood clotting disorders that would not be considered auto-immune.  My general orthopedic that did my previous surgeries referred me to different specialists.  Though, I am having pain in my shoulders, the bone is still intact and has not begun to collapse so the shoulder specialist does not recommend surgery at this time.  However, the next step for me if the pain increases and/or continues longer than I can handle will be a partial replacement where he would remove the dead bone and put a cap on it which he compared to a crown on a tooth.  But we agreed that we are not ready for that step at this point so will continue to manage the pain with medication as best we can.  Because I have spinal stenosis and bulging discs in my neck, I was also sent to see a spinal surgeon who also agreed that surgery is not the best option for me at this point.  I have just received new meds from both of these specialists this week that will hopefully help with my pain management.  I would appreciate your prayers for my health as I struggle with some of these issues again. 

 

 

I spent nearly 2 years in Kansas City which did not look like I expected it to look, but was good nonetheless!  I am finding it difficult to put into words all that has come from my time in Kansas City, and realize I do not fully understand it all myself, but I am very thankful for that season of my life though it was not an easy one.  I developed some incredible friendships with people that will be a part of my life for many years to come, even though we have gone our separate ways at this point.  My heart for worship was stirred and I spent the last few weeks taking piano lessons from a great teacher who taught me so much in a short period of time.  As I master all that she introduced me to, I hope to start lessons with someone here to move forward in my ability to worship the Lord.  I don’t know what all the next year holds or will look like, but I am hopeful and expectant as I settle into yet another new season.  Though familiar in many ways, it is not the same and I trust that the Lord has a purpose and plan in all that I am going through and has a good plan for my life (Jer. 29:11).  Part of that plan, I believe, is returning to India next summer to begin spending extended time on the mission field each year with half the year at home.  While in the States, I will spend time with family and friends as well as be involved in short term missions in some way.  Again, I don’t know exactly what that will look like, but seems to be the direction I’m heading at this point. 

The beauty of God displayed

 

Shout to the Lord all the earth, let us sing!  Power!  Majesty!  Praise to the King! 

 Mountains bow down and the seas will roar at the sound of Your name!

 I sing for joy at the work of Your hands!  Forever I'll love You, forever I'll stand!

  Nothing compares to the promise I have in You!!!

 

 

To walk in the cool of the day with You!  To gaze on the beauty of all You do!

To meditate on Your glorious splendor!  I WAS MADE FOR YOU!!!

Perspective of time

June 12, 2011 was Pentecost Sunday, just a week before my birthday, and I spent most of the day alone in the prayer room asking God for something special for my birthday that year.  Two days later, in a lot of ways, my life as I knew it fell apart and I was left with a lot of unanswered questions and some painful woundings.  I can see now as I look back that God had been preparing me in a lot of ways, but at the same time I was still completely blindsided that night.

As I stumbled into this new season, God was kind in dealing with my heart as I processed through all that had changed in a single meeting.  At a time when confidence in my ability to hear the Lord was shaken, He faithfully led me and continued to speak to my heart the truth of who He is and who He has made me to be.  Through time in the prayer room as well as very timely teaching in classes, He began to counter the things I was feeling with the truth of His love and faithfulness.

Two years ago, I spent June 12 mostly crying alone in the prayer room, but this year, I enjoyed a day in Chicago with some dear friends and we began discussing my return to India.  Two years ago, my birthday was clouded with sorrow and loss feeling like I’d been disowned and discarded by those I love and was close to, but this year, my birthday will be spent with some incredible ladies that have become close friends and sisters through my time in Kansas City!  On this day two years, ago, my dreams and plans for the future seemed to have slipped through my fingers and I had no clarity looking forward!  But today, the Lord has provided funds for me to pay off my debts and I am taking steps to begin living out my dream of serving the Lord in missions!!!  Two years ago today, it seemed my life as I knew it was shattered!  But today, I feel my life is beginning anew with focus and purpose!!!

Mom time!!!!

I successfully surprised my mom by going home for Mother's Day weekend.  And we had a great time!  Our family spent the day at the Cameron Park Zoo in Waco.  Dinner was followed by some fun at the local karaoke place we all enjoyed.  My sister and I took mom to breakfast and then all got pedicures before meeting my brother, sister-in-law and nephew for lunch on Sunday.  With only a short time at home, I spent the afternoon with my brother's family as we took my nephew to the library and splashed in the fountain area downtown before walking a few blocks to get snow cones.  They dropped me off for a quick visit with my cousin's family which was short but sweet.  After a bit, my mom and sister picked me up for a grocery store run where we got some junk and a movie to finish off my time in town.  It was such a great weekend!!!!

This past weekend, I flew mom up to Kansas City and we had a great weekend together.  We spent quite a bit of time on Saturday at the zoo and then went to the Botanical Gardens on Sunday.  We made the most of our time together and had such a blast!  It was nice to just be together for a bit!!!

 

 

 



Looking back!

It's been a while since I've posted anything though I've thought about it many times.  I don't really have anything profound to post, but as the year comes to a close and a new one is about to begin, I've decided to summarize my year. 

 

After withdrawing from school in January, I was able to spend 2 weeks with my family at home before starting work at a hospital in the Kansas City area.  I was able to get time off for a quick trip home to surprise my mom for Mother's Day which was a huge success!  I returned home again for a few weeks in the summer to celebrate some family birthdays including my nephew's 2nd on the 4th of July which was a blast!!!  Time at home is always so good but always goes by way too fast!!!!!  I am enjoying my time back in Texas to celebrate Christmas with my family! 

In March, I made the move to Missouri official by changing my address, getting new tags on the car and a new driver's license.  I also started the process of joining the International House of Prayer (IHOP-KC) as part-time staff.  For several months, I enjoyed serving with Exodus Cry (www.exoduscry.com - a prayer movement to end human slavery) and Hannah's Dream Adoptions (a wonderful agency that closed in August).  I kept a busy schedule which was a bit of an escape from the wrestling in my heart over why I was in Kansas City when I wasn't continuing as a student.  In time, as I kept sensing that this is to be a time of preparation and training, I finally realized that receiving training does not necessitate being a "student".  I decided to start auditing classes at IHOPU and switched from part-time to prayer room staff at IHOP-KC in August.  Over the summer, I had the opportunity to take some voice lessons and hope to resume music lessons in January, planning to take both voice and piano. It was really good to be back in the classroom this fall and I hope to take a couple more classes in the spring! I was able to take "Life of David", "Paul and His Epistles", "Song of Songs" and a class on the Book of Isaiah which were all SO good.  I also volunteered to transcribe some of the class sessions for a leader at IHOPU which gives me access to additional teachings that I am enjoying. I'm trying to absorb as much as I can of the Word through personal study, classes and time in the prayer room.

 

I have enjoyed returning to work at a hospital and picked up a lot of extra shifts whenever I could as I hoped for a full-time position to open up.  After waiting several months, I finally decided to find another part-time position for an increase in income.  I started working at a Once Upon A Child store (resales gently used kids clothes and stuff) nearby when it opened in October which was a pretty fun job with some really great people!  One week after starting, I was offered a full-time position at the hospital so I gave my notice at the store but didn't want to leave them hanging so agreed to stay on for a while working weekends to help out.  I began to transition to working 1 full-time job being able to enjoy weekends off just before heading home for 3 weeks.  It is amazing to me how fast this year has flown by, but I look forward to what lies ahead in the New Year!!!