God may not be done when you say Amen!!!

About a month ago, crazy timing now that I look at it, I got a random message from a good friend that pastors a church about 3 hours away who I don't necessarily have regular communication with. But the strange thing about the message was not the fact that he messaged me, it was the crazy randomness of the message which I decided to quote the bulk of it.  "I know you are dealing with many many issues with your pain etc. I have to ask you something...There's an empty room (in a home on same property as new church building) and I believe the Lord may have your name on it. You would need to hear the Lord say that.  We are experiencing a true revival here...I think of all that God has done and is doing in your life.  Your call. Your heart.  What God has taught you and wonder if He may intend for you to share life in our community.  Would you pray?...There are things God has done in you that I believe may be significant here, and there are things He is doing here that I believe may be significant in your life.  But I'm not God." (emphasis mine).  

Basically, "I know you're hurting, struggling with health stuff, but would you prayerfully consider moving here to see how God might want to use you and what He might want to give you here as part of our faith community." How amazingly, wonderfully, absolutely opposite of most people's approach to someone like me.  Someone needing more than I feel I have to offer.  Someone broken and weak.  Someone who is not even close to "having it all together".  I'm a self-admitted mess!!!

It so completely blew me away but I agreed I'd pray and get back with him.  I forwarded the messages to my mom and brother asking them to be praying for me/about it.  The next week was Spring Break so with a break from school and homework, in the midst of doctor appts and medical tests, I thought/prayed/worried about this opportunity and what answer I was supposed to give.  I recognized it as such an incredible, generous invitation.  I did not want to take it lightly, and I truly wanted to hear what God was saying.  But I was also plagued and interrupted in my attempts to pray with the "what ifs" and the true cost of saying yes. Many times recently, my mom has had to cut my food for me because it hurt too much to hold the fork enough to cut even the easiest, softest of foods. Several days the pain is so bad that I hardly get out of bed for 1-3 days at a time except for necessities.  Or the pain has made it too hard to sleep that I can't function, or I'm taking SO MUCH meds that I can't stay awake (even with a med for that).  So try as hard as I might to just focus on what God was saying about it, the feasibility issues kept cropping into my thoughts and prayers. Then the thought of leaving home again, not because of the dependence I've had on my mom and family the last 2 years, but just the distance, the return to a 3 hour car ride away from these I love so dearly. From the chance to be with the littles fairly regularly, even if just in little bits of time.  The missing of family events from birthday celebrations to random BBQs because I am committed somewhere else, 3 hours away.  So in all honesty, the prayers became more of a "how can this even be possible" and "would You really ask me to do this right now, in this condition" argument with God until I settled on a "not right now" answer that felt right.  Not a clear yes/no, just a maybe not now.  I sent the message at the end of spring break and got a kind response back.  It was settled, I was at peace, shared my response with my mom and brother, and I was ready to move on and start the next term.  

Fast forward 5 days later...peace is gone, this no longer feels settled and I realize I closed the conversation on this invitation before God did, but He's not just going to sit silent about it.  It's time to begin some very serious praying.  And crying.  And praying while crying.  Please understand, it's not that I don't want to serve the Lord or that I would not love joining what my friend is doing in the community with his church.  I just don't want to do it "like this" - broken, hurting, unable to be independent and take care of myself.  I'd be happy to do it, just could I not have to do it while so limited and needy.  (Yes, hello pride!!! Could you be any louder or clearer?!?!) 

I was up most of the night and after journaling through the mess inside me, I sent messages to two friends that came to mind and asked them to pray for me during this time of seeking the Lord for His answer, for clarity of what He's saying.  It's not been an all-consuming focus in my head or heart the last several weeks, but it would come to mind fairly frequently.

Textbooks, but still good reads!

It's now the middle of week 3 of the new term with Liberty University in which I am taking two very convicting classes - one is basically a Biblical Survey/How to study the Bible type course and the other has been mostly focused on missions so far!!!!  I've been hit with conviction on so many things through these first few weeks, but these are some of the convictions that kept bringing this to mind:

• How am I fulfilling Jesus' command to "Go and make disciples" which is addressed to all believers?
• What am I doing to further God's Kingdom right now, in this current situation?  
• How am I using the gifts He's given me?  
• How am I honoring and glorifying Him at this point of my life?  

The short answer...I'm really not!  I'm doing my best with school, I'm loving my family, and I do pray for others which I know is valuable.  But could I not do more, even with these limitations and weaknesses?  Should I begin doing more by saying yes to the invitation that has been extended to me, from seemingly out of the blue just before starting these classes that are challenging my heart so much?  Will I be willing to leave family to say yes and follow Him?  These are the questions challenging me tonight.

Anyway, I messaged my friend again today and we spoke for quite a while when he called me back.  There are still a lot of unknowns in the logistics department, and I am not settled that the Lord is for sure wanting me to say yes to this for immediate relocation, but I'm feeling more and more that this could very well be what the Lord is leading me to do in the very near future.  The next step will be a visit with my mom to spend a weekend meeting people and discussing some details of what this might look like when the time is right to jump in with both feet.   

And so begins 2015...

It's hard to believe that this is New Year's Day!  It just feels like any other day!  It's been nearly 2 years since I started having shoulder pain again.  Plus I've had a nasty cough for weeks that has me completely worn down right now.  But it's the beginning of a new year.  Seems worthy of a few moments to acknowledge that. 

January 1, 2015. 

Looking back on 2014, I have many things to be thankful for!  I enjoyed one month of low enough pain levels to drive consistently.  I had the pleasure of loving on my sister's foster baby for 2 months which was a great opportunity though it was heartbreaking to say goodbye!!!  I got to meet my cousin's youngest daughter who became a forever part of our family just before her 4th birthday and is a beautiful, curly haired princess that I fell in love with immediately!!!!!  And then in July, we were thrilled to finally hold my youngest nephew who was born the afternoon of the 11th and brings such joy to our family!!!  We had a wonderful mini vacation when we spent a long weekend at the coast.  Many birthday celebrations throughout the year where our whole family comes together to celebrate with food and fun times together!  Due to many household projects involved with painting rooms and moving things around, we decided to have a low-key Thanksgiving where we just spent time together and enjoyed chili and cornbread in lieu of the traditional turkey dinner.  So we made up for it by having turkey with all the trimmings on Christmas Eve followed by a family sleepover!  Christmas is so much fun with littles to watch and play with!!!!  Following our tradition, we ended our Christmas day at my cousins house with good food, gift exchanges and game night!!!  Such a great time and a great way to end the holiday season.

A big development for me came in October when I made the decision to return to college and complete my degree online.  I started the very next week taking Accounting and Microeconomics through Kaplan University, but am excited to start a new semester as a Liberty University Online student in a couple of weeks.  I have an interdisciplinary major which allows me to choose 3 cognates of study so I have chosen Accounting, Education and Christian Counseling.  I hope to graduate in about 3 years! 

Physically, I'm a bit of a mess.  As I said before, my shoulders have been hurting for nearly 2 years, but this past August, I also began experiencing similar pains in my ankles and knees which come and go pretty frequently.  I have spinal stenosis in my neck with a couple of disc showing bulges that may one day require surgery, but hoping to stave that off as long as possible.  I've had numbness and tingling a lot in my hands/arms for a few years that we attributed to the neck issue, but my hands became so much worse a few months ago, I'm scheduled for an EMG (test where they shock my arms to check for nerve issues) next week, and am seeing an orthopedic the next day for evaluation of carpal tunnel that may require surgery sooner than later. 

Emotionally, it's hard to say.  Chronic pain is difficult to deal with and I have a tendency towards depression anyway so I have to be really careful not to wallow in self-pity which I did not do very well last year.  There were a lot of joyful things that helped pull me out of it, but it's a daily battle that requires a choice of how to spend my day.

Spiritually, I've not been in a good place for a very long time! I've said it before, but have realized just how true it has been that everything that can be shaken has definitely been shaken in my life in the last 3 or so years!!!  I fought really hard to respond well as I felt my world and all I believed to be true was falling apart around me.  However, in the course of time, I failed to acknowledge the anger and disappointment I felt towards God as the shaking continued through some of the darkest times of my life!!!  Hitting bottom finally seemed to happen at the end of September when I told my mom I just couldn't do it anymore!  I wasn't turning my back on God or giving up, per se, I just could not keep begging Him to be there or do anything for me anymore.  My bottom line revelation was "He owes me nothing!" and I need to be okay with that.  After mulling that over and listening to a devotional set by Misty Edwards where she sings, "You owe me nothing, I deserve hell" for a week, I was finally struck by the last part of that chorus which is "You owe me nothing but You've given me MERCY!!!!"  So it's a very slow journey, but I'm beginning the process of trying to reconnect with the Lord by focusing on the things that He has promised to me that I know I can count on as my faith is rebuilt in who He truly is! 

It has been a really long time since I've blogged and I'm not sure how much time I will have to blog this year as I dive into a new semester, but I hope to try to be a little more consistent here!  Let's see what this year holds!!!